One, Two Punch

Yes I know – a great song – not that I know all the words. I definitely made up my own (where the mumbling occurs) and when I thought I was singing and belting it out like a badass (usually in my car). Story of my life really – making up my own words when the world mumbles. And often finding out that my interpretation was WAY OFF. But I definitely don’t belong here.

Woke up today and decided that i’m bankrupt. Oh i’ve filed chapter 7 a while ago (not a metaphor). And here I am truly bankrupt – emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and morally (almost). I have absolutely nothing. I don’t t know whether I feel bad or maybe good about that. Mostly numb. Maybe a little delirious (yes that was a weird giggle). Mostly numb. The lack of feeling (aka numbness) is not a new thing.

HIGHLY COMPARTMENTALIZED. So, for most people it is a way to protect them from traumatic events – and it’s effective. You can tuck away the memory of hurtful acts or physical injuries or even witnessed episodes. It’s a wonderful thing our mind does to allow us to process those events in our own time – and maybe with some help. But when I say highly compartmentalized i’m not just talking bad or traumatic events that are suppressed into the recesses of my mind and away from my emotions. Im talking about all experiences which trigger an emotional response – the good, the bad, and the ugly (great movie by the way). The way I experience my life often starts with “Hey do you remember that time you…?” and I get to hear a great story about this person who did this or that and maybe even had a great time – but I have no recollection and certainly no feeling related to it (except for the numb).

So what…or maybe – so now what? Let’s find out how we got here (yes “we” because we are stronger in numbers and not because I have multiple personalities).