One, Two Punch

Pretty sure I need to dig into the recesses of my mind (and past) to figure out how i got where i am. But how the hell am i suppose to do that if i cant remember anything? All those compartments.

Is it just me or does anyone else have people remind them of events and things they did or things they said? And i’m not talking about the inability to recall because you were so intoxicated or perhaps you have a medical condition that effects your memory.

Perfect example… I have no recollection of walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Don’t remember getting dressed, putting on my cap and gown, going to the auditorium, name being called…. nothing. I know it happened. I know i was there. But i have nothing else. No feelings of nervousness, excitement, pride… nothing.

I’ve heard that the brain has a way of protecting people from traumatic or adverse events – blocking things out. I get that. I’ve cared for a lot of people who experienced physical trauma like car accidents or physical assaults and they weren’t necessarily unconscious – they remember just prior and immediately following – but the actual impact is not there. I believe that is our brain saying “you don’t need to see that – so i turned off for a moment.” Make a little compartment for that and tuck it away.

Apparently my brain decided to take every emotion/event and place it in its own box and tuck it away. Not that I can’t laugh, cry (well rarely… and not so strangely perhaps, don’t remember the last time),… ok never mind. I can appear to be “feeling” but when i think about it – i’m not actually feeling anything. Although… i am very good at anger – it has been my long time companion that fuels my day to day movement. But that anger is not actually seen.

I do remember being in a relationship (not sure with who or is it whom?) and the other person asked “what are you feeling? tell me what is going on” – and i had nothing. My mind went blank. I wasn’t “feeling” anything. I had nothing to share. And truly there is a constant stream of things “going on” in my head – but ask me how i’m “feeling”… and i’ve got nothing…poof!

My brain has decided that everything goes into a little box – good and bad, happy and sad. Go me! Except I can’t connect. I don’t have healthy relationships. I don’t get the social cues that people put out there. It often occurs to me that “I don’t care!” It never occurs to me to ask. But it makes me a “great listener”….even though i am probably not actually hearing a lot of what you are saying – especially if you are talking about how you feel…besides Im not going to be able to relate to that anyways.

Maybe i’m being too harsh…maybe its time to unpack…